Tips For Care Home Visits
If you are new to visiting someone who is living with dementia in a care home, it can feel quite disorientating for you. You’re used to being with your loved one in their (or your joint) home environment, where nothing is scheduled, and everything just feels easy. If they want a nap, it’s no problem, because you can just spend time with them later, or tomorrow.
When a loved one goes into a care home, it’s a seismic shift in everyone’s normality. So, as much as they may be adjusting, let’s not pretend we’re not too.
Care home visits should be a fulfilling experience, on both parts. However, in some instances, they can leave both people feeling distressed. In this case, firstly, know that you are not alone! Secondly, work with the care home to find a way to build a better experience for both of you. Please don’t feel that you must endure something negative - take steps to work out how thinks can be improved.
I’ve said before that we’re lucky with my mum, because she is always calm and happy. However, the flip side of this is that she can’t effectively communicate, so we’re not going to sit and have a nice chat (well, we are, but it’s kind of one-sided). My mum does ‘sing-talk’ a lot, we just have no idea what she’s saying. Because of this, we have to pass the time with her in a way that feels meaningful to us, eve if we’re often not quite sure how engaged she is.
Here are my top tips on what to do on care home visits with someone with advanced dementia.
Tips for care home visits to someone with advanced dementia
Pick the time carefully
It’s useful to know meal schedules, whether the care home has specific visiting times, but also your loved one’s schedule. Do they always like a nap, after lunch? Then maybe late morning is a better time to visit.
2. Chat about your day/week
I don’t mean the exciting stuff, here, either. You don’t want to inadvertently remind someone of what they’re missing, and it is really hard to know how much someone living with advanced dementia understands. Chat about what you’ve seen on tv, or your job - the day to day routine. Maybe you’ve bumped into someone they know who wanted to say ‘hi’?
I keep my conversation low-key (to be fair, not hard, I’m not out doing exciting things!) and firmly believe that tone is everything - I always keep things lighthearted.
3. Play music, or a YouTube video
Listening to a few songs together can help you to feel a connection, in the moment. Even if you’re the only reminiscing.
4. Read a book together
Since I know that my mum can read, I’m keen to ensure she continues. I created Words Without Stories specifically for this purpose, as it can be picked up, left, come back to. Alzheimer’s Society have some great options, too.
5. Look through photos
Albums that have space to write the names of who is in the picture are perfect. We get a much better reaction from physical, printed images than from trying to show my mum digital images, and we print some up as A4 so that she can easily hold them, too.
6. Give a hand massage
I will caveat that with ‘if it is wanted’. Sometimes, my mum is happy to give her hand, other days, she is, if anything, suspicious and confused of why we want to hold it. So, react to what’s happening, and if everything is calm, a hand massage can be soothing (including for whoever is giving it).
7. Meet quietness with quietness
So, it’s definitely not the usual nap time, yet your loved one is really not engaging at all?
Go with it.
Tempting though it is to pull out all the stops - books, music, videos, photos to try to get a reaction, maybe, sometimes, just sitting quietly, holding hands can be enough?
8. Bring a treat (sweets/a milkshake)
Obviously, you must check with the care home what food is allowed! My mum is on a soft diet, so she might once have loved Maltesers, but now, they’re a choking hazard.
We can take chocolate mousse though. Or a tasty drink (she needs calories - another thing to check!).
Don’t be surprised, or disheartened, if some days they’re delighted, and other days not interested (make it something you like yourself, and cheer yourself up with it, in the latter instance).
Finally - take each visit as it comes
Go in with no expectation of what the visit will bring, and just take the moments for what they are.
Much love,
Anna
xx
