Bittersweet Special Occasions
Next week, it’s my mum and stepdad’s wedding anniversary. 39 years, I think!
For quite a while after my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I would buy cards/gifts ‘from’ her to give. I’d sit next to her and look at, say, jumpers, online, and ask her which colour to go for. For some time, she could even sign greetings cards and gift tags.
I kept that up for years - for as long as I felt that she was still having some kind of input, but, we’re a bit beyond that, now.
On their first anniversary after my mum moved into a care home, the home were great. They gave us a private room to have a celebratory meal they thoughtfully prepared for us. It’s bizarre to me to imagine it now, such is the progression of dementia. These days it would be a depressing thing to try (although, they do still offer).
Marking occasions remains important to us, even though we won’t know how much of it my mum is taking in.
On a practical level, I now always buy two cards that are exactly the same - one to give to my stepdad and one to give to my mum.
I no longer wrap my mum’s gifts - wrapped presents seem to confuse her - so I get nice gift bags to put things into, instead.
Managing our own expectations on an important occasion is the hard part. We want to add a celebratory feel, and the pressure is on for a ‘good’ visit. But there’s a 50/50 chance lately that my mum will be asleep. And, of course you can say “well, never mind, we can do it all again tomorrow, the date doesn’t matter”. In your heart, the date does matter.
Consequently, next week, I will lower my expectations. There’ll be cards and gifts and maybe a glass of wine, if she’s allowed. Having discovered she enjoys chocolate mousse, we’re relieved to have found a ‘treat’ we can take, that isn’t a choking hazard. But, at the same time, I will remind myself that she might be sleepy, quiet or uninterested. And that sitting quietly, reminiscing with my stepdad is ok, too.
Much love,
Anna
xx
